


Powerless

by glow_worm



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Gen, Graphic Wound Description, Hurt/Comfort, IPRE Crew - Freeform, Pre-Relationship, Protective Siblings, Sibling Love, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23345146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glow_worm/pseuds/glow_worm
Summary: The first time Lup watches Taako die, it's Barry's job to get her through it.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone else PINING during this pandemic? Have some angsty Blupjeans.
> 
> Four chapters, will post one a day until it's done. (Unless I get impatient...) Enjoy!
> 
> (30-ish cycles in, give or take a few years.)

The first time Taako died, Lup died too. An explosion took both of them at the same time, instantly, without any suffering, and together. And as morbid as it was—Barry was almost thankful for that. Taako had been a mess the first time Lup died, so Barry was grateful that Lup could put off that pain a little bit longer.

The second time Taako died, he and Lup were both killed by the Hunger in the last moments of a cycle.

But the third time Taako died was a different story.

They were in a particularly dangerous plane inhabited by a civilization of people similar to the drow they had back home, though they were much, much taller than the drow the IPRE was familiar with—and they freely walked the surface of this planet, not needing to reside in the darkness underground. And while some of the drow here were amicable, most were distrustful. And some were...aggressive.

Merle and Magnus had both been killed a few months before while attempting to communicate with the drow. They were _completely_ destroyed. Barry and Taako had found their bodies, and Barry could not get the image out of his head. Taako was beyond reluctant to speak to any of the drow after that, even if they had been friendly to him before.

He had only been coaxed along today because everyone else was going. The plan wasn’t to seek out or talk to any of the drow, but they did still want to study the plane and its inhabitants—plus, they figured out that the Light was most likely in this area.

Of course, things rarely ever go as planned—and they were now in a heated battle with three drow who seemed to be immensely powerful arcanists.

Spells were being thrown left and right from both sides, but it quickly became clear that these drow were capable of incredibly high level magic that the IPRE had never even heard of—neither back home nor on their thirty-odd year journey.

One spell brought things to a screeching halt for the twins.

One of the drow shot out a massive electrified black magical charge—without a wand—which Taako had no time to react against. It hit him square in the chest, and he was dead before he hit the ground.

“T-Taako?!” Lup yelped.

He collapsed to his knees and then fell to his side without a word.

“No,” Lup pled breathlessly. “No, no, no, no...”

She ran over to him, only narrowly avoiding a hit from a spell that flew by as she passed.

“Focus, Lup!” Davenport commanded. “You don’t want to—oh. Oh, no.”

The captain shut himself up when he saw Lup approaching Taako. As soon as Davenport saw Taako’s motionless body, he knew. And Lup knew, too.

But she would not accept it.

“Taako?” She asked softly, her voice cracking. “Please. Please. Not like this.”

She turned him over on his back and hovered her fingers over the gruesome wound in his chest, hesitant to touch. Instead she moved her hand to the side of his neck, as if she were moving through tar. She pressed her fingers against his pulse point for a few moments before all the color drained from her face.

“No,” she whimpered. “No.”

The battle raged on around her as she clung desperately to her brother’s IPRE jacket, horrified.

Barry began to tremble as he realized what had just happened, but he couldn’t unpack that right now—he had to keep fighting so they wouldn’t lose anyone else.

And that was evidently a definite possibility now, he thought as another curse just narrowly missed Lup, who was too focused on her brother to notice. 

He was about to spring into action when Lucretia beat him to it. She leapt in front of Lup and threw up a shield, competent as always in spite of her apparent panic.

“Lup,” Lucretia addressed. “I’m sorry—I know—but—”

She did not finish her sentence as a powerful blast dissolved her shield and an arrow shot into her shoulder.

Lucretia dropped to one knee with a shout, grasping at the arrow.

Barry grit his teeth and pivoted, firing off _Blight_ at one of the drow and completely decimating it—but he barely had time to register his victory, as when he turned back to help Lucretia he was suddenly knocked back with an incredible force and thrown against the cobblestone of a nearby building—and for a moment everything went blank.

“...arry? Get up, Barry, come on!”

Davenport was tugging fruitlessly at his arm, his eyes wide in terror.

“Shit...” Barry cursed, reaching for the back of his head as his vision cleared. “Fuck, are the drow dead?”

“No, I—I’m making a call,” Davenport said. “I’ve got em caught in an illusion. We’re gonna run. _Now,_ right now. Can you walk?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” Barry said as he brought himself to his feet. His head throbbed, and his vision spun slightly as he rose.

“We just can’t risk losing anyone else,” Davenport explained in a panic. “Quickly—the illusion’s not going to last long—girls, we gotta go.”

The captain had turned back towards Lucretia, now back on her feet, and Lup—who was doubled over in anguish by Taako’s body.

Barry tensed and forced himself to move forward, following Capn’port in a daze.

As he surveyed the scene he began to realize that one of his best friends had just been massacred in front of him. It was something that never really got easier—tears welled up in his eyes as the weight of that grief grew more apparent.

He couldn’t let himself fall apart here—not yet, their enemy was slumped on the ground with clouded eyes fixated intently into empty space, and Barry knew the gnomish illusion would be short lived. Given how powerful these drow were, it must have been sheer dumb luck that the illusion worked at all. Plus, there was still Lup.

Barry, Davenport, and Lucretia had all seen Taako die once before.

But Lup had not. And as close as they all were, it would be ludicrous to pretend that Lup and Taako’s bond was not different.

“I—I can’t leave him,” Lup stammered.

“I’m so sorry Lup,” Davenport breathed. “I know how hard this is. I wish I could give you some more time but it’s not safe here, we _have_ to go.”

Lucretia nervously looked back and forth between Lup and the stunned drow. She shook her head, then wove her good arm under one of Lup’s and tried to hoist her up and away from Taako.

“No!”

“Lup, I’m sorry but we can’t win,” Lucretia said as Lup fought against her.

“No, _no!_ That’s—my—brother!”

“He’s gone, Lup,” Davenport said flatly. They did not have time for this. “There’s nothing you can do for him, we have to go! You’ll see him next cycle.”

Barry saw one of the drow twitch out of the corner of his eye. He felt awful, but they didn’t have much choice here. He joined Lucretia and pulled Lup away.

“No—please—”

Lup let out a short yelp of pain and suddenly was leaning heavily into Barry. He braced for her, then quickly scanned for any major wounds.

There was a huge gash on her left side—had she caught a sword there? Or did something arcane slice her? Barry cursed and rearranged so that Lup’s arm was free, which she immediately brought up to the injury. She took a few ragged breaths and steadied herself against Barry, then acquiesced and allowed him and Lucretia to guide her away.

Once the other three were far enough away, Davenport cast _Mold Earth_ and buried the body, fearing for what the drow might be able to do with it.

He ran to catch up, pulling a potion out of his pack.

“Lup,” he addressed. “That’s bad. Take this.”

“No,” she grumbled, dazed. “We’ll need it later.”

“You need it _now_ ,” Davenport insisted. Barry noticed there was something _off_ about their captain that he couldn’t quite place—distraction? Perhaps Taako’s death really upset him. “I’m not playing this game. Take the potion.”

Lup begrudgingly drank it down, pausing while its effects worked their way through her wounds. The gash in her side shrunk, and while her condition was still less than ideal—the bleeding stopped, and she was no longer leaning on Barry for support as she walked.

They hurried as quickly as they could, given their conditions, back to the Starblaster as Davenport and Lucretia both cast wards behind them to throw off their enemy in case they’d been followed.


	2. Chapter 2

It took nearly an hour, but they made it.

As soon as they were back on the ship, however, the captain collapsed to his hands and knees.

“Woah—Davenport?” Lucretia exclaimed, lowering herself down next to him. “Captain?”

There was a sizable arcane scorch mark, a hole with singed edges on the back of his IPRE jacket—how had they not noticed? It took up about half of their captain’s back. His eyes were closed in pain, his forehead beaded with sweat.

“Shit—Lup, I need to—” Barry stammered.

Lup stepped away from him and was able to get herself over to a couch.

He crouched down next to Davenport and examined the wound, a hand placed gently on his shoulder.

“Holy _shit_ , Cap’n,” Barry mused. It was a severe burn that had scalded Davenport’s skin, and the magical factor of it seemed to have siphoned away his energy. “One more hit and you’d have been done.”

“I know,” he muttered, sucking in a breath at the pain. “That’s why—I knew we had to get out of there.”

“Where’s that potion?” Lucretia asked, reaching for Davenport’s bag.

“No—I just need to sleep,” he said.

“No _way_ , Dav,” Barry countered. “It’s some kind of curse. This is gonna keep draining you if we don’t heal it. It’s necrotic, it could kill you.”

Almost on cue, something about the wound changed—it throbbed once and stretched out.

And with that, Davenport fell forward, unconscious.

Barry caught him before his head hit the ground, and held him so he was sitting half way up while Lucretia found and uncorked the potion.

“It’s alright, Cap’n,” he assured. “You did a good job today. We’re safe now.”

Lucretia gently poured the potion between Davenport’s lips, and Barry felt the captain’s charred skin change under his hand. The cursed wound was no longer actively dealing damage; it began to scab over.

“Do you think he needs another one?” Lucretia questioned.

“Hmm...not sure. Let me clean this out and get some ointment and bandages on it and then we’ll see,” Barry decided.

He scooped the captain up in his arms—something Davenport would absolutely _loathe_ , a perceived blow to his dignity—but what else could Barry do? Leave him on the floor?

He carried him to his quarters, Lucretia following behind and making a pit stop in the medical bay to grab bandages and ointments.

Barry laid him out on his bed, back facing up. He took the supplies from Lucretia and began to dress Davenport’s wounds.

“I’m going to help Lup,” Lucretia said, picking up a salve and roll of bandages and hurrying out of the room.

“Don’t forget about yourself!” Barry called in response as she rushed down the hall.

Magic bloomed around the captain’s injuries, which grew shallower by the minute. Salves and potions were only going to get this one so far—he needed a real healer, but that was impossible here. Davenport was likely going to be physically damaged for the rest of the cycle.

He began to stir.

“Hey, Cap’nport,” Barry addressed quietly. “Still in pain?”

“N-no,” he lied. “Sorry. I tried to hold on, but—”

“No, no, you did a great job, Dav,” Barry assured. “Must have taken a lot of willpower to walk all the way back here. But you got us all home safe.”

“Not all of us,” Davenport grumbled in response, burying his face in his pillow.

Barry exhaled, and worked more ointment into the injury as gently as he could. Davenport cringed at his touch.

“You couldn’t have done anything for Taako,” he replied. “Given the circumstances, I think getting four of us out of there was the best possible outcome. Without your illusion, that would have been a lot worse. Remember that.”

Davenport made a quiet sound of disagreement that was weak enough to let Barry know he was drifting off.

“Get some sleep, buddy,” Barry said.

“Make sure you...” Davenport started, his eyelids falling shut, his words slurred together and nearly inaudible. “Don’t have a...concussion...”

Barry’s eyes narrowed as he strained to make out what he meant, but a throbbing pain in the back of his head beat the reminder into him _. Fuck_ —he was in pain, too.

“I’ll take care of it,” Barry promised softly. He gently ruffled Davenport’s hair. “You just focus on recovering. Sleep.”

Barry continued dressing the captain’s wounds as he eased into the soft measured breaths of sleep.

When he finished, he cleaned up and left the room, flicking off the light and soundlessly closing the door behind him.

He rubbed at the back of his head and hissed when he hit a tender spot. What could he even do for a concussion without a cleric? Potions were his only option, but while they weren’t exactly in short supply this cycle, they were only about half way through and getting more was not going to be a cakewalk.

He made his way back to the common area, and saw Lucretia dressing her own injury next to Lup, who was lying still with her eyes closed on the couch, tearstains on her cheeks.

“Is Lup—” Barry began.

“Trancing,” Lup whispered without opening her eyes, cutting him off.

He breathed a sigh of relief and moved closer to Lucretia.

“How’s our captain?” Lucretia asked in hushed tones as she wrapped up her shoulder.

“Really, _really_ bad,” Barry admitted regrettably. “He’ll pull through but he’s gonna have permanent damage—well, I mean, he’s not going to heal right and his back is gonna be screwed up until the reset.”

“Shit,” Lucretia breathed, shaking her head. “I can’t believe we didn’t notice. He seemed so in control, it didn’t even cross my mind that he’d been injured.”

“I know,” he replied as he sat on the couch in between the two of them. “But...we were distracted. Don’t beat yourself up. How are you feeling?”

“Alright,” she said. “I was able to shield myself from the worst spells...once Taako went down I knew not to mess around.”

Her eyes flashed to Lup, who looked grim in her trance.

“How about you?” she continued. “You got knocked out for a minute. Are you alright?”

Barry took a second to assess. He was definitely a little dizzy, and more than a little sore. His whole chest ached from the spell that had sent him flying. He ran a hand over the impact site, only barely touching it through the fabric of his t-shirt. It stung _a lot_ , but he didn’t feel any open wounds.

“I think I’m alri—oh!” Barry was cut off by Lup, who was now propped up and lifting up his shirt. “Ah! L-Lup?!”

“Hold still,” she demanded.

He tried not to focus on the sensation of her hands on his stomach, but couldn’t help but notice she was shaking like a leaf.

“Lup,” he repeated, quieter.

Her face changed from stoic to afraid as she examined his chest, and Lucretia grimaced as she got sight of it as well.

“Can you breathe alright, Barry?” Lucretia asked.

“Huh? Y-yeah, why?”

Lup hesitated before grazing her fingertips over his chest. It sent an electric shock through him, but not quite the way he thought it would.

It _hurt._

It hurt and a wave of _something_ swept over him, making him feel faint. Darkness shot over his field over vision, but he fought at it until it cleared.

And his face must have betrayed his attempt to keep his cool, because Lup looked horrified and Lucretia instantaneously jumped up and grabbed a healing potion from the table behind her.

“I—I really don’t think I need—”

“It’s like what Davenport has,” Lucretia described, her brow pulled together in concern. “A little different.”

“Nastiest bruise I’ve ever seen,” Lup noted quietly. “Surprised your ribs aren’t broken.”

Lucretia opened the vial and handed it to him.

He was unconvinced, but Lup looked like she was on the verge of tears again. So he chose not to argue.

He drank the potion down without further protest. It had notes of juniper and lime, and overall tasted much better than healing potions tended to. Its saccharine flavor lingered on his tongue as he felt its magic work itself through his body.

The throbbing at the back of his head and neck faded away, the intense burning on his chest cooled down.

The two women before him seemed to relax somewhat, and Lup’s trembling hand pulled his shirt back down. She didn’t, however, release the fabric. She clung to his t-shirt, staring down at his stomach but really just dissociating. He started to reach out to her, but Lucretia spoke.

“You should be fine so long as you get a good night’s sleep,” she said. “Make sure you do that. You too, Lup—I know it’s hard, but get some rest.”

“Huh? Oh...sure.”

Lucretia stood up, and Barry noticed she seemed unstable.

“I’m sorry,” she admitted with regret. “I want to be with you right now but one of their spells had an exhaustion effect and…I’m going to pass out if I stay awake.”

“Are you alright?” Barry asked again, mildly alarmed.

“I’m fine,” she reassured. “But I do...need to sleep. _Right_ now. I’m sorry. Please...hang in there, Lup.”

“Go to bed, Cretia,” Lup bid without looking at her. “Love you.”

Lucretia blinked in surprise before giving a sad smile, tears in her eyes.

“I love you too. We’re gonna get you through this.”

She wiped her eyes and went off towards her room without another word.

Barry brought his attention back to Lup, who still had a death grip on his shirt.

He reached out and held the back of her head with one hand and placed the other on her shoulder.

“Lup?” he prompted gently.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “Everyone got hurt while I was...I shouldn’t have let myself fall apart there. You and Dav could have been killed too.”

On the “too”, her voice cracked. Her face crumpled as she fought back tears.

“It’s okay, Lup,” he said. “It’s not your fault. They were just too strong for us.”

“If I had kept it together, I could have—”

“No, it was too much. It would have been too much for anyone. Really, Lup, it’s okay.”

“I have to get stronger,” she said through a clenched jaw. “Gods, I still have most of my spell slots. I could have done something. Anything. I could have protected him. I can’t believe he...right in front of me. _Gods._ Taako.”

There was no reasoning with her at this point. He rubbed her back and pulled her a little closer.

“Let it out, Lup,” he encouraged, caressing her face. “It’s okay.”

She broke. She buried her face in his chest and he heard her draw a watery, ragged breath. She released her grip on the hem of his shirt and brought her arms so that they were pressed between their bodies, folded up against her chest as if to keep her emotions from pouring out of her heart too quickly.

Lup sobbed against Barry’s chest, and he held her close while softly stroking her hair.

It was the least he could do. After all, Lup had comforted him many times.

“I didn’t...I didn’t get to help him at all,” she stammered through tears. “Or, or...the first time I died he held me, he stayed with me. He was there for me. I thought...I thought it would be the same. I knew it was gonna happen eventually. We’re caught in these cycles—I just thought—it all happened so fast, I couldn’t—”

“Breathe,” Barry soothed, his voice low. “I know. It was really fast. But...that’s a good thing, Lup. He probably didn’t feel anything. I bet when the Light brings him back next cycle, it’s gonna be just like the last time you two died and he’s not even going to know he was gone. He’s gonna pop back into reality, look around and wonder how the hell he got back on the ship. And you’re gonna be there right next to him to welcome him back.”

Lup sniffled and nodded her head against him.

They stayed like that for hours, with Barry occasionally getting up to get water or offer her some fruit, which she turned down. He left twice to check on Davenport, who showed no change. But every time he came back to the couch, Lup nestled in close to him.

She was inconsolable. Barry wasn’t sure what to do. He had to let her grieve, but she also desperately needed to rest—which was going to be difficult to do while she was sobbing.

Taako would know what to do.

And now Barry was crying again too, though he tried to hide it from her.

All he could do was hold her as she cried it out, and hope that eventually she would tire herself out and fall into a trance.

And he could listen to her, when she occasionally broke through her tears to ramble about something that wasn’t her fault.

Unlike Taako, Lup did not keep her true feelings hidden. She spoke about her emotions openly and honestly. She was unafraid to be vulnerable—at least in front of Barry, it seemed.

The sun set, and hours went by.

“It’s getting late,” Lup pointed out. “You should probably go to sleep.”

Barry frowned, disinclined.

“I’ll stay up with you,” he offered. “Honestly I don’t think I could sleep after all that anyway. Unless you, uh...unless you want some space. I mean—do you want me to go?”

“No,” Lup said. “Please. Don’t go.”

Barry fought to keep his composure.

“I just mean...you can sleep here if you want to,” she said. "With me."

Barry lost the fight to keep his composure.

Lup ignored his bright red cheeks and continued, “I’m sorry, I’m gonna try to trance, I...I’m tired.”

Utter defeat weighed heavy in her voice, and Barry swallowed his nerves to comfort her.

“You had an unfathomably rough day,” he said softly. “Rest. It’s okay.”

“You’ll stay?” She asked quietly, not looking at him.

“...Y-yeah. ‘Course.”

Barry stretched his arm over and reached to switch off the light, then settled back onto the couch. He awkwardly slid down so that he was lying with his arms around Lup.

She laid her head against his chest and allowed the quiet rhythm of his heartbeat to guide her into meditation.

If circumstances were different, Barry would be over the moon.

But now that Lup was silent, and the rest of the ship was at a tranquil lull, the disturbing scene of that day’s battle played out in his head again. He swallowed hard, sucking in a quivering breath as he tried to push away the image of Taako’s lightless eyes.

He closed his eyes in hopes of quelling his emotions. He didn’t want to start crying again and disturb Lup, who desperately needed to rest.

He didn’t intend to fall asleep—in fact, he tried to fight it. But the fact was his body needed to recover, whether he liked it or not.

* * *

The first rays of daylight shined through the common area windows.

To Barry’s surprise, Lup was still curled up against him. Her eyes were open, however, staring out with a faraway look.

Whenever Barry had fallen asleep in the same area where Lup or Taako tranced, they almost invariably were out and about by the time he woke up. This time, it seemed as if Lup hadn’t moved all night.

“You must have been exhausted,” Barry noted softly.

“I didn’t trance much,” Lup muttered.

She reached up and cupped Barry’s cheek in her hand. He held his breath, and she wiped a tear away with her thumb. He blinked in surprise. He didn’t realize he had been crying—but he felt so heavy, it made sense.

“You were crying all night,” Lup said quietly.

“Oh—gee, I’m sorry,” Barry stammered in response. The absolute last thing he wanted was to make Lup console him when she herself was stricken with grief. “Did I keep you up?”

“No, babe, don’t apologize,” she answered. “I was just...you know. But I got some rest. And...it was nice. Having you here.”

Gods, he loved her so much. He swallowed hard and wished the circumstances were different.

“Any time,” he said, hushed.

She put her head back on his chest, then drew in a long, shaky breath and let it out slowly.

They stayed there for a while. Barry smoothed her hair while going over the previous day yet again in his mind. If he had acted a little faster, been more aware of his surroundings—if they had just run—things would have gone differently.

If Merle hadn’t been killed, Magnus and Taako would both still be here.

“Babe,” Lup began cautiously. “I’m gonna go back to my room. Lucretia’s gonna wake up soon.”

Barry nodded, and understood the subtext—don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.

“Okay,” he replied. “Try to actually rest?”

She hesitated for a moment, her fingers still intertwined with his.

“You can come with me. If you want,” she offered.

He just about died, and wondered if he could handle platonically (or _otherwise,_ he dare not even _imagine_ ) cuddling with Lup on her bed.

He looked into her tired, swollen eyes, then remembered her bandaged arms and bruised body. She really needed to rest. And whether Barry’s crying had kept her up all night or not, he could bet it wasn’t particularly easy to meditate or restful for her body to be scrunched up with him all night.

And in terms of Capn’port and Lucretia, the implications of Barry coming out of Lup’s room later on would be much worse than finding them together on the couch.

“I, uh—” he started reluctantly. “You’re still pretty beat up, Lup. Why don’t you get a real meditation in, and I’ll come check on you later?”

Luckily, Lup didn’t seem too dejected. She nodded and unlocked her fingers from his. As she sat up, her spine popped—proving Barry’s theory.

“Oof,” she groaned, stretching out.

“Yeah,” he half laughed. “That’s what I was afraid of. Y’alright?”

“Yeah, I’m—” she winced and sucked in a short gasp, her hand shooting to the injury on her side.

His smile dropped and he sat up, concerned.

“M’fine,” she assured, taking a second to breathe. “I just...forgot that was there.”

“I’ll walk you back to your room,” Barry decided.

“I’m okay,” she insisted.

Still, Barry followed her once she stood up and began walking towards her cabin. She avoided looking at the kitchen, and once she passed Taako’s room, she folded her arms across her chest.

“Man,” she said, teary-eyed. “This...heh, this sucks. Can’t believe I—we—have to go through the rest of the cycle without him.”

He wrapped one arm around her and gave a gentle squeeze.

“We’ll get you through this,” Barry promised. “And he’ll be back before you know it.”

“Yeah,” she sniffed. “Thanks, Barry. See you later.”

“Goodnight,” he bid softly.

“It’s morning,” she corrected. “But, yeah. Later.”

She stepped into her room and slowly closed the door behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

Barry showered, then went to bed himself—if only for a few hours. When he woke up, everyone was still asleep.

Given the hour, it was mildly concerning.

He checked on Davenport again, who did look better: less pale, resting easier.

He even popped in to Lucretia’s room, opening her door as noiselessly as possible. She was sleeping on top of her still-made bed, with the lights on in her room. He checked to make sure she was breathing, then shut the lights.

Then he hesitantly opened Lup’s door.

She was lying far to the side of her bed, eyes closed in meditation.

She had left room on her bed for someone to climb in and lay next to her.

His heart swelled, wondering for a moment if that space was meant for him—but remembered the few times Lup and Taako had been separated on missions, or when he had checked in on them while they tranced. They always left space for each other, instinctually, just in case one needed the other.

Still, he let his imagination run wild for a moment. He thought about being bold and climbing into the bed. After all, she had offered. And in her semi-conscious trance she certainly knew by now that he was here, yet she didn’t say anything.

No. It wasn’t right. If she was being affectionate it was because she needed comfort. She just lost her brother. She wasn’t in a good state of mind…it wouldn’t be right.

He closed the door.

* * *

Barry made breakfast.

It wasn’t great, but everyone needed to eat. Lup needed to eat.

He returned to her room and was about to knock on the door to tell her to come eat with everyone, but something was off.

A bit early to use a spell slot, but Barry _Detected_ that Lup’s room had been _Silenced._

He chewed on his lip, then shoved his hands into his jean pockets in defeat. It wouldn’t be right to barge in. He would have to just come back in ten minutes. Hopefully everything was alright. Barry sighed, and went back to the kitchen.

* * *

Lup was _screaming._ Tears streamed down her face. She tore things apart as she shouted at the top of her lungs.

When she had finished her meditation, she sat and thought about the previous day’s events a little more clearly.

Taako was _gone._

Gone in a flash, and she was powerless to stop it.

And her grief made her powerless to fight back. Powerless to protect her friends.

She ripped pages out of an old notebook and burned them.

She threw things against the wall, she punched a pillow over and over and over again until she was worn out, her arms trembling. Her injuries throbbed against their wrappings in protest of her exertion.

She was going to find those drow.

And she was going to make them wish they had never laid eyes on her brother.

* * *

Lup didn’t bother cleaning up. She opened her door and swiftly closed it behind her, then noticed Barry standing in the hall with a tray of food.

She softened at the sight of him.

“Oh! H-hey, I, uh...” he stumbled awkwardly. “I brought you some breakfast? I know you probably don’t think you’re hungry, so, uh, I kept it light.”

He was right, she definitely didn’t feel hungry.

But, she hadn’t eaten since before they went out yesterday.

“Lucretia and Dav are up,” Barry said. “But you can eat in your room if you want some space.”

Lup quickly shuffled away from her door as if the mess behind it would disappear if no one else noticed it.

“Nah,” she said. “I’ll come out with you guys.”

So she joined the others in the kitchen and forced herself to pick at the food on her plate. It was just two eggs, sunny side up, with a little toast and coffee. Once she started eating she realized how hungry she was, so she finished everything on her plate—though she ate slowly, staring off into space as she did so.

Lucretia peeled an apple for her and put the slices on her plate, which Lup snacked on in a daze, tuning out the conversation around her.

In spite of her haze, she did take note before she retreated back to her disaster of a cabin that Davenport was walking with a crutch, his entire torso wrapped in bandages under his unbuttoned IPRE jacket. His movements were slow; when he stood up and walked he seemed to be in pain.

It hurt her to see him in such a state. She vaguely thought about asking Taako to help her make their captain's favorite dish--then balled her hands into fists and quickly went back to her room.

* * *

Lup was fairly withdrawn for a few days. The crew gave her some space, but after a while they collectively decided that Lup would have enough alone time while the others slept. So during the day, Lup had nearly constant companionship.

At night, she would prep food. Then when it was finally time for her to rest, she would instinctively leave space for Taako.

Barry tried to fill that space, in spirit, during the day.

And on more than one occasion, Lup invited him to fill that space at night.

Still, she was much more aloof than normal—which was completely understandable—and Barry witnessed two separate occasions where she turned around to make a comment or quip to her brother and froze when no one was there.

Not unlike how Taako was when Lup died, Lup became relatively snarkier in general and was much more prone to irritation.

What concerned Barry the most, though, was her behavior out in the field.

Without Lup, Taako became more cautious—seldom leaving the ship, reluctant to go on any adventures.

Without Taako, Lup—already a reckless person to begin with—needlessly threw herself into danger without a second thought.

The remaining four crew members tried to stay safe on the ship as often as possible. Davenport, unable to move properly, did not leave the Starblaster again for the rest of the cycle.

So when they did need to leave the ship, they would only send two—and Lup insisted that she should go every time.

Nearly two months later, she and Barry were out on the planet’s surface when they encountered another vengeful drow. Barry swiftly pulled out his wand, ready to _Teleport_ —but Lup had different plans.

He watched in stunned dismay as she charged the drow head on with a _branch_ she picked up off the ground, swinging it into his face and leaving herself wide open to a _Magic Missile_ -style curse that sent her flying backwards.

Barry rushed to her side to help her up, but not without comment.

“Why—Lup, what the hell? Why didn’t you just cast something?” He asked.

“I left my wand on the ship,” she admitted.

“Wha—okay, say something next time?” Barry urged, exasperated. “Let’s get out of here, we’ll never beat him if you can’t ca—Lup! _Stop!_ ”

Lup chucked a rock at the drow.

Without another word, Barry seized her and cast _Teleport_.

They resurfaced back on the deck of the Starblaster, with Lup leaning back on the floor and Barry over her on his hands and knees.

He sat back on his ankles and put his hands on her shoulders, gripping them lightly.

“Are you trying to get yourself killed?!” Barry demanded in frustration.

Lup wasn’t one to show embarrassment, but she showed something close to it now as her eyes darted away from Barry.

He paused, dropping the tension in his shoulders as he unraveled the realization forming in his mind. He let go of her, the irritation on his face giving way to pain.

“...Are you?” He asked quietly.

“Of course not,” Lup grumbled. “I just wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.”

Barry wasn’t convinced. He pulled her into a hug and just held her for a few moments before she wormed her way out of his arms.

“Dude,” she said. “It was a mistake. I said I was sorry. Let me get my wand so we can go back out there.”

He looked embarrassed for a moment, but half a second later he narrowed his eyes in chagrin, his mouth half open.

“Go—go back?! Lup, we’re not going back there,” Barry asserted. “Not when we know there are drow.”

“I’m not afraid of the drow,” Lup declared under her breath.

“Well you should be!” Barry retorted. “We are _not_ going back. If anything happens to us, you think it’d be fair to leave Creesh and Dav by themselves for the rest of the cycle?! Capn’port’s having a hard enough time as it is.”

He waited for her to speak, but she didn’t. So he went on, “And also? We shouldn’t die when we don’t have to! You can’t ask me to watch you throw your life away for a stupid revenge scheme.”

“I wasn’t—that’s not—” Lup stammered.

“Sometimes you’re worse than Magnus,” Barry shook his head. “There is no reason to fight these guys. We wanted to study them, it’s clear that is not going to happen. They’ve already taken out three of us—if all seven of us get killed, it’s over for real. And I don’t know about you, but this is not a plane I’d like to perma-die on.”

“I get it, Bluejeans,” Lup asserted, her palms up in surrender. “Let’s go inside.”

Barry put his foot down the next time Lup volunteered to go out. Luckily, she didn’t argue.

The rest of the cycle was uneventful. They never found the Light of Creation. Barry felt guilty about that—after all, some of the drow had been relatively personable to them, and it wasn’t the whole civilization’s fault that a handful of folks had completely decimated the plane’s only hope.

Overthinking was pointless, though. They’d done this many times and would have to do it many times more. There had been and would be many more deserving planes that the IPRE would fail to save.

When the Hunger came, the Starblaster and its crew left with few regrets.


	4. Chapter 4

As the Starblaster broke through a new plane, Lup watched Taako’s empty chair eagerly, her hands clasped together in anticipation.

The Light rebuilt him, and as soon as he reformed he threw his hands up in front of him and shut his eyes tight with an “Oh, shit!”

Lup’s brow furrowed in concern. “Taako?” She prompted.

He opened one eye cautiously, then both shot open wide as he searched his surroundings.

“What the fuck!” He exclaimed. “Did I die?!”

She smiled. Barry was right.

“Yeah, goofus,” she said. “Welcome back.”

“That thing killed me?!” He asked, shocked.

“One hit,” Lup said, feigning nonchalance. “Killed you real good.”

“One hit?” Taako repeated. He folded his arms across his chest, disappointed. “Damn.”

“Merle,” Davenport began, standing up straighter than he had in months. He tossed his crutch to the side. “Magnus, Taako. Welcome back.”

“Damn,” Merle laughed. “You guys really can’t stay alive without me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Magnus dismissed, instinctively reaching for an injury that was no longer there.

“For all you complain about my healing,” Merle began. “Sure sounds like you miss it when it’s gone!”

“Your healing is very helpful, Merle,” Magnus said. “But you know what would be really helpful? If our cleric could stay alive for five minutes.”

“Alright, alright, enough,” Davenport said. “I’m gonna get us to a safe spot, then we can recap and get the lay of the land. Looks...relatively normal? Then again, so did the last one...”

The Starblaster landed in a forest clearing a safe distance from a nearby village. They’d have some exploring to do later.

They filled Taako, Merle, and Magnus in on everything that had happened after they died while Lup busied herself in the kitchen, starting to prep a meal.

Taako had expected Lup to be a little bit...clingier.

Not that his feelings were hurt, but—she cared, didn’t she?

He noticed immediately that Barry was less shy about touching his sister. She asked Barry for help in the kitchen since Taako was deep in the recap, and Barry put a hand on her shoulder—for no particular reason! Taako wasn’t sure how to react. After all, things were getting...inevitable.

Well, Barry Bluejeans was a really good guy.

“Taako, if you’re caught up, come help me,” Lup called. “I’ve been cooking for five months.”

“Our friends haven’t had a decent meal for five months?” Taako feigned shock. “Tragic. Move it, goofus, I’ll make the sauce.”

Lup stepped out of the way while Taako sifted through the spice cabinet.

He had just gotten his hands on the oregano when he felt Lup wrap her arms tight around him, her face buried in the back of his shoulder.

Yeah—this was more of what he was expecting.

Something about the tightness told him he couldn’t joke about it yet, so instead he turned himself around and returned her embrace. He could tell from her breathing that she was fighting back tears.

He placed a hand on the back of her head and held her close, then he locked eyes with Barry, who was watching them with uncertainty from a few feet away. Taako gave him a nod of acknowledgement before returning his focus back to comforting his sister.

That night, the four who had survived the last cycle decided they were too stir crazy—not having been able to leave the ship much towards the end of the year—and wanted to camp outside.

Taako couldn’t have been less interested, but he couldn’t say no to Lup right now.

The rest of the crew slept on bedrolls around a bonfire, while the twins sat together far enough apart from the others so as not to be heard.

That night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Lup and Taako sat back to back with their legs crossed and folded. It was a position they often took when they kept watch—they could trance and watch over the others at the same time.

The twins rested in silence for an hour, listening to the sound of the fire crackling and popping. Taako was starting to wonder if he should say something, since Lup clearly had things on her mind—but she wound up speaking before he could think of how to start.

“Taako,” Lup addressed quietly. “That sucked.”

He opened his eyes and frowned, turning his head slightly so he could see at least part of her face out of the corner of his eye.

“I didn’t have much choice in the matter, Lulu,” he responded under his breath.

“I know that,” she whispered. “I just. That was. The most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. And...I missed you, _so_ much.”

“Well,” he started. “I’m here now. I know this whole situation is hell, in a way, but at least when we die we...y’know. Get better. Sorry. It must have been rough without me. Cause I’m so amazing and cool.”

Lup ignored his quip, which he took as a signal that she did indeed have a rough time and wasn’t in the mood for jokes.

“We’re gonna get out of this, Taako,” Lup said. “We are. One way or another.”

Taako moved his hands from his knees and folded them together in his lap.

“I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately,” Taako began cautiously. “Lup...are you sure that’s what you want?”

“What?”

“I mean, I get it,” Taako said. “All these planes are getting their shit wrecked. And we’ve been through some shit, yeah, but...come on, Lup, you can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. How long we’ve been at this?”

Lup didn’t answer, so Taako continued.

“Think about it...thirty years. We haven’t aged because of the resets. But if we weren’t caught in these cycles...Barry, Mags, and Lucretia would be _old_. They’d be half way through their lives—they could be grandparents. And we...we really wouldn’t have aged at all. Thirty years is nothing to us, but it’s a third of a human life. At least.”

“I know. I think about that all the time. But...all this destruction? It’s not worth it. It’s not fair,” Lup balled her hands into fists. “I’m grateful for the extra time we’ve had with Barry, and Lucretia and Magnus, but...I’m so tired, Taako. Aren’t you?”

“Of course,” Taako responded. “It’s just...if we do get out of this, what’s gonna happen? What if our ages, or our injuries catch up to us? What if you have to watch Barry get old, while you don’t change at all?”

Lup was taken aback. “Wh—What does that have to do with—why Barry?”

“Don’t play dumb, dingus,” he said. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Elven-human relationships back home were often viewed as inherently tragic. To the elf, their human was gone in the blink of an eye.

“All I’m saying is...I know this is hard, but in a way...we’re lucky,” Taako mused. “We’ve got something most folks would kill for. Time. And unlimited second chances. We shouldn’t waste them, or wish them away when things go a little south.”

Lup thought for a moment, then let out a bitter laugh. “Hah, yeah. See if you can keep up that point of view next time I beef it.”

“Oh, you know that’s not gonna happen, bubbeleh,” he remarked with a smile. “I mean, I’ll give it a shot, but—lets both try not to die, huh?”

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

He felt her reach for his hand. He rolled his eyes. After all, he’d seen her and all of his friends die more than once. But he bit back his snark and tried to be sympathetic—she had never been without him, after all—and locked his fingers into hers.

His urge for snark won out.

“Nerd,” he commented.

“Shut uuuuuup,” she retorted.

That night, Lup rested better than she had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Stay safe and healthy. The next two fics I have planned are a lot less...whumpy.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a similar concept to my Cycle 19 fic, but...I wanted to explore both! Hope you don't mind. 
> 
> Verily craving human interaction in these quarantined times so pleeeeease leave a comment or come say hi at glow-worm.tumblr.com


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